Struggles

It seems the struggle list is long lately. I'm having difficulties in bouncing back from things these days. The maternal unit says "you're getting older" as though that's a valid and wanted factoid. All I know is things are getting hard again.

I think I've finally put my previous employment behind me. I'm rather embarrassed that Its taken four months to do so. I feel a bit like an addict but I am getting by without it now and am finding my feet again now that I've cast off that role.  The head down, plow through, self esteem busting on a daily basis is over.

The narcissistic sibling NarcyMe, is up to the same antics. Why do I deal with this? Why do I let this behavior change mine? I'm tired of cajoling a better mood or taking thinly (and not so thinly) veiled insults just so NarcyMe can come in first. My life's goal is not to be better than anyone other than the person I was yesterday so this attitude stymies and frustrates me. You can't write off family and I don't want to hurt the maternal unit by causing a rift.  Blueman thinks talking will help. I love his naïveté and his defense of me.

Probably most disconcerting this week is that my sewing machine is acting up. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it but I'm working on a difficult pattern and not only are all my squares misshapen, (not sure how that happened) but now my machine locks up a lot. It's probably 20 years old and was a floor demo model to begin with. It has never done more than one stitch well and only tiny ones. So I am a little afraid of getting something new.

The highlight today is as I sit here and look around, I see one of my boys curled up and sleeping and suddenly my struggles seem a little less restrictive and heavy on my heart.